Reader Mailbag
Reader Mailbag: Your Dating Questions, Answered
A new feature. Each one, I open the inbox and answer a few of the questions readers send me most, the honest ones, in the same spirit I would if we were sitting across a table.
One of my favourite parts of writing this column is the replies it brings. The questions you send are honest in a way that polite conversation rarely is, and most of them turn out to be questions a lot of people are quietly carrying. So here is the first of a recurring feature, four real questions, answered the way I would answer a friend.
Is it butterflies or is it anxiety?
“I always feel something intense at the start, but I can never tell if it is excitement or nerves. How do you know the difference?” Asked by a reader in Toronto
They can feel almost identical in the body, which is exactly why they get confused. The clearest tell is direction. Healthy excitement tends to open you up. You feel more like yourself, curious, a little buoyant. Anxiety tends to close you down. You feel braced, watchful, slightly unable to eat or settle. Butterflies make you want to lean in. Anxiety makes you want certainty right now. If the feeling is mostly a craving for reassurance, that is usually nerves, often the early attachment I wrote about in why do I get attached so quickly, not a sign you have found the one.
Is it a red flag if we never argue?
“We have been together eight months and have never had a real disagreement. My friends say that is suspicious. Is it?” Asked by a reader in Mississauga
Not necessarily, but it is worth a closer look. Some couples genuinely are low-conflict because they communicate small things early, before they grow into arguments. That is healthy. The version to watch for is when there is no conflict because someone is swallowing their needs to keep the peace. The question to ask is not do we argue, but can we disagree. If you can raise a hard thing and be met with curiosity rather than coldness, the calm is real. If you avoid raising things because you are not sure it is safe, the calm is just postponed.
The question is not do we argue. It is can we disagree and both stay in the room.
He is perfect on paper but I feel nothing. Do I give it time?
“Kind, stable, everything I said I wanted. And no spark at all. Should I keep going or is that my answer?” Asked by a reader in Toronto
Give it a little time, with one important condition. Attraction that is absent because someone is genuinely not for you will not grow, and you should not force it. But attraction that is quiet because you are used to chaos can absolutely grow once your system settles, and many people dismiss a wonderful match in the first two dates because calm felt like nothing. I would say give it three or four real, present dates before deciding, and pay attention to whether warmth is slowly building or simply not there. This is the heart of what emotionally available dating looks like, and it is worth not rushing.
How do I stop comparing every date to my ex?
“It has been over a year, but I still measure everyone against my last relationship. How do I stop?” Asked by a reader in Toronto
Comparison is the mind’s way of feeling safe with something new, so be gentle with yourself for doing it. The shift is to compare forward instead of backward. Rather than asking is this person like my ex, ask how do I feel about myself when I am with them. Your ex is a familiar measuring stick, but the only useful question is whether this new person is good for the you that exists now. When the comparisons come, and they will, treat them as old habit rather than insight, and bring your attention back to the actual person in front of you.
If you have a question you would like answered in a future mailbag, reply to the weekly newsletter or send it through the Match Me Canada journal. I read every one, and the honest ones help more people than you would think.
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