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by Rebecca Cooper-Traynor

Finding Love: How Not to Let Your Ego Get In The Way!

Ego is undoubtedly a touchy subject. It’s about who people believe they are and how they feel about themselves—and nobody wants to know that it’s what may be getting in the way of finding love. If your ego is not in check, you could be unwittingly pushing people away.

Everybody Has An Ego

The ego is a necessary part of your identity and belief system. It’s concerned with who you are, your talents, your abilities, and your self-worth. When unchecked, it can stir up a lot of trouble, cause you to respond to situations in less-than-ideal ways, and even hurt your chances of getting what you ultimately want.

Too much ego is off-putting to others. Too little, and you won’t take any chances, so the result is the same. Like most things in life, balance is the key. You need enough ego to have the confidence you’ll need to put yourself out there and enough self-awareness to know when to drop it and let someone in. Unchecked, your ego couldprevent you from finding true intimacy with someone, but when wielded in the right ways, it can help you change all your interpersonal relationships for the better.

How Ego (Yours or Others’) Might be Hurting Your Chances of Finding Love

Finding a connection with someone involves being vulnerable—sharing, listening, and allowing someone to get to know you—not just on the surface, but going deep so they can truly get to know who you are inside.

Successful relationships are built on healthy communication, openness and honesty, mutual trust, and feeling safe and appreciated. Having a relationship with somebody that lets their ego get in the way could look like someone more concerned with:

  • Appearances – who they associate with, how they come across to strangers and others
  • The importance of what they do, often at the expense of others’ agendas
  • Winning at all costs
  • Being right in all conversations or arguments
  • Prioritizing their needs over yours

And it goes both ways. If you recognize yourself in any of those statements, your ego could be the culprit!

Here are a few ways your ego may be negatively impacting your relationships:

  • Letting your pride or ego take over a conversation. Do you tend to inject yourself into a conversation when others talk about their own situations or experiences?
  • You cannot take constructive criticism. Do you get defensive when others give you feedback?
  • Not willing to look within to make a change. Overcoming relationship challenges means owning your part in it. Being open to change makes for healthier, happier couples.
  • Trying to avoid being vulnerable. If you continue to put up walls, you alienate yourself from true intimacy. Eventually, your partner will feel this.
  • Believing that you are better than your partner. A relationship is a partnership. Feeling like you’re better than them creates imbalance and dysfunction.
  • Constantly comparing yourself to your partner. Whether you put yourself above your partner or act like you’re unworthy of them, these are both products of ego. You are an individual, and your needs, wants, and desires are equally important—not more or less so.

Love is the Answer

Love is what you seek, that inimitable, unshakable connection between two people. But to achieve this ideal, self-love is just as important. If you don’t have enough of it or have too much, your ego takes over and speaks for you. Not enough self-love leads to feelings of rejection, unworthiness, possessiveness, and unhealthy attachments. Too much of it pushes others away because it appears that you don’t need anyone but yourself.

So if your relationships seem to fall into a pattern, if you find yourself saying the same things about every past partner you’ve had and blaming them for its demise, you should at least consider that your ego could be to blame.

It’s not easy to overcome these thoughts and patterns of behavior, but if you can shed your ego and get down to the honest essence of who you truly are, you’ll find the answers. The goal isn’t to eradicate the ego, but to explore it, know it, and learn how to transcend those parts of it that get in the way of having a healthy, loving relationship.

For more relationship advice, visit often—and if you feel like you need one-on-one relationship coaching, reach out today, and let’s talk about it.