The Relationship Column
Am I Asking for Too Much?
It is one of the most common questions I hear, and almost always from the people who are asking for too little. The fix is not lowering the bar. It is learning where the bar belongs.
You wanted someone who texts back when they say they will. Someone who makes a plan instead of leaving you to wonder. Someone who is glad to see you and shows it.
And then a quiet doubt arrives. Maybe that is a lot to ask. Maybe you are being difficult. Maybe, if you were easier, this would already have worked out by now.
Here is the short answer, and it is worth sitting with. Most people who ask whether they are asking for too much are not asking for too much at all. They are asking for ordinary, healthy things, and then apologizing for wanting them. The real work is learning to tell a healthy standard from an unrealistic expectation, because the two can feel identical from the inside and they are not the same thing.
Standards Versus Expectations
A healthy standard is about character and treatment. It describes the kind of person you will build something with, and the way you expect to be treated along the way. Honesty. Consistency. Effort that matches words. Kindness when it is inconvenient. These are not preferences. They are the floor.
An unrealistic expectation is usually about control or perfection. It scripts the details. He should earn a certain amount. She should look a certain way. They should never disappoint me, never need reassurance, never have a bad week. Standards are about who someone is. Unrealistic expectations are about making a person conform to a picture.
Standards are about who someone is. Unrealistic expectations are about making a person fit a picture you have already drawn.
The Quick Test
When you are not sure which one you are holding, three questions tend to sort it out.
- Is this about how I am treated, or about a detail I have decided in advance?
- Could I describe it as a behaviour, or only as a fantasy?
- Does it protect my wellbeing, or mostly protect me from ever feeling uncertain?
Standards survive those questions, because they are about safety, respect, and effort, and they apply to anyone. Unrealistic expectations tend to dissolve, because what is underneath them is not a need. It is a wish to feel in control of an outcome no list can guarantee.
Why Lowering Your Standards Never Works
People assume the brave thing is to want less. To be more flexible. To stop being so picky. There is a version of flexibility that is healthy, the kind that lets a real person be human with you.
But when you lower a true standard, you do not feel relieved. You feel quietly betrayed by yourself. You accept the inconsistency, explain away the effort that never comes, and a part of you keeps score even when you tell it to be quiet. I wrote about that slow erosion in why healthy dating can feel unfamiliar at first, because the discomfort of being treated well is so often mistaken for the relationship being wrong. It is not wrong. It is just new.
The No-BS Part
You are probably not asking for too much. You are asking the wrong people, and then treating their inability to meet a basic standard as evidence that your standard is too high.
It is not too high. It is just too high for them. Those are very different sentences, and the difference is the whole game.
You are not asking for too much. You are asking the wrong people, and calling their limits your fault.
What They’re Really Asking
When someone asks me whether they want too much, they are rarely asking about the request itself. They already suspect it is reasonable. What they are really asking is whether they are allowed to want it without being punished for it. That question comes from a history, not a personality. If wanting things once made you seem demanding, you learn to pre-shrink your needs, and then you wonder why you keep ending up with people who give you exactly that. Less.
What Raising Your Standards Looks Like
Raising your standards is quieter than people expect. It is not a longer list of requirements. It is a shorter one, held more firmly. It looks like noticing how someone treats you and believing it the first time. It looks like letting a slow, mismatched effort be a full answer instead of a puzzle to solve. It looks like staying warm and open while quietly declining to audition for someone who is lukewarm about you.
And here is the part that surprises people. Clear standards do not narrow your life. They protect your time for the person who was always going to be glad to meet them. If you tend to bond before the evidence is in, it is worth reading why do I get attached so quickly alongside this, because fast attachment is often what makes us negotiate our standards away.
So the next time the doubt arrives, try a different question. Not am I asking for too much, but am I asking the right person. You are allowed to want honesty, consistency, and care. If you would like help finding someone who meets you there, you can explore dating services, and if you keep dating but feeling stuck, that is often the most useful signal of all.
— Match Me Canada
