Accountability. It’s part of being a grown-up. I know, no fun, right? You’re accountable at work, to your financial obligations, and to other commitments. When you give your word, there is an expectation you’re going to show up for the task and get behind it, do it right.
But what about your dating relationships? Are you accountable for what happens there?
Somehow, some of us seem to fall short in this area. It’s too easy to blame others, not take responsibility and, in turn, be dissatisfied with the results. If you want a healthy dating life that leads to a wonderful, flourishing relationship, you need to be conscious of your role in getting the positive results you want.
You need to put in the work and be willing to take responsibility. After all, you expect the same from your partner, and reciprocity is the foundation of any healthy relationship.
What Unaccountability Looks Like In A Relationship
Negative cycles are easy to get into with your partner. Almost all of us carry unmet needs from our childhood. When our partner can’t or doesn’t meet those needs, we experience pain, often demonstrated through negative behavior, like anger or anxiety.
At their core, these are self-protective behaviors, but they often produce similar reactions in the other person. Your needs aren’t met; you get angry or sulky and are either unwilling or unable to articulate. In response, your partner gets frustrated, shuts down, goes cold, or out-and-out rejects you because they don’t understand what’s going on.
This is a perfect example of an avoidable situation that stems from you not being accountable to your own feelings and lacking accountability when it comes to your partner. You blame your partner for your unhappiness, even though it’s really coming from a deep-seated place in your past that isn’t their fault at all. They blame you because you’re being unreasonable, and they don’t understand where it’s coming from.
So, what would it look like to be accountable in this scenario?
Being accountable means acknowledging how your behavior affects your partner and owning your part in the problem. If a relationship isn’t working, it’s never one person’s fault.
Think about what you contributed to the situation. Be objective—try to see how your behavior caused their response. If you recognize the triggers, you can check yourself, begin to introduce new behaviors, and remain diligent until you can start getting ahead of the problems—rather than expending all your energy fighting and blaming each other unnecessarily.
Being Accountable To Yourself
But being accountable isn’t just about showing up for your partner; it’s about you too. You need to develop objectivity around your past hurts and experiences, especially if they affect your relationship in the present.
These things happened to you. If you haven’t already, you need to process it so you can avoid losing yourself to a negative cycle of behaviour.
Use your voice. Speak up. Ask for what you want. Share what you want—and need—to share. Don’t sit and wait for different results if you aren’t doing the work. You need to look out for yourself, which means being accountable for everything you bring to the table.
If you are not willing to be accountable—with your words and actions—nothing will change.
Bottom line – if you have the courage to get out there and date (which is so much harder), you owe it to yourself to bring your best self to it.
Are you stuck in a negative cycle and need dating or relationship advice? Our matchmaking professionals are here to help! Schedule a call today, and let’s get you on the right track!